Monday, November 15, 2010

I Only Want Everything

I've been thinking about an earlier post and that line from the song Floorplan.

I wonder why I am not honest about what I need and want in relationships. It must be because I am afraid I won't get it. And because I am afraid it is unreasonable. I have been so well trained in politeness and the understanding that unreasonable behaviour is unattractive, that I have frequently put what I really want on the shelf and ignored it. It's not ok to ask for what I want, or to expect it. Because what I want is a bottomless pit and you might fall in.

It can't be true that unreasonable behaviour is wholly unattractive because I have a history of being attracted to people who have ultimately behaved quite unreasonably in various circumstances.

Maybe I don't think I deserve to get what I want, that no one would give it to me anyway. And yet there are scores of people out there singing and painting and writing and wailing about wanting and needing and demanding the kind of attention I want too.

These whiney, clinging, needy creatives are just being honest. I'm a whiney, clinging, needy creative, I just pretend I'm not, because it's unreasonable and I know it. It's unattractive. You can't very well meet someone and once you fall for them admit the truth of what you expect in return. Not if the truth is something along the lines of I want you to hang on my every word for the rest of your life.

However much attention you give me it will never be enough.

I want your lungs to stop working without me.

I love it when I meet someone upon whose words I am willing to hang. I want that much back.

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